Feminist Bent or Bent Feminism?

Revelations

2008-11-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

Thoughts become things. My negative thoughts about dating and meeting this boy who I like manifest -- and they certianly have this week. My negativeness, my funkiness, my weirdness about the interactions with this online boy turned into him not calling me. Plain and simple. It makes sense. While I was not explicitly telling him to now call me, my thoughts, feelings, and vibes which all focused on what if he didn't call or ever wanted to see me again manifested into exactly what I did not want. I need to get my head right...and I defintely feel that I am. I have faith that my change in thought will overturn the funkiness and manifestations of my negativeness. I know this can happen, but I first have to make sure my actions are not contradicting my desires. To help my gain perspective and clarity about what I want, here is my list of my conrete desires. All of these statements are in the present tense, because these things will happen.

1. I am staying in Austin, TX to work and finish my PhD
2. I am accepted into the PhD program at UT
3. I am in a relationship with the guy I met online
4. I am going to NYC for the summer internship program
5. I am going to Tokyo to present my paper at the conference
6. For the first time in my life, I am living with my boyfriend -- he asked me to move in.
7. I have an amazing relationship with his son.
8. I can afford my trip to Tokyo. I recieved a grant to travel.
9. I have found someone to sublease my apartment over the summer.

Online Dating -- What a Shit Show!

2008-11-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

So, I never officially I guess claimed what this blog was going to be a lot about. Basically, I swore off talking about my love life on my "real" blog and, thus, I decided to create this one. Whether my ridiculous love life with form an audience, I don't know and I really don't care... this is purely for self-reflection, disgusting acts of self-deprecation, and all the other bullshit that goes along with being a hot single grad student.

That said, let's get this shit show going. As the title of this posting may already suggest I have tapped into the realm of online dating. I gave Match.com a shot, met a few dudes -- none of whom were that big of freaks (THANK GOD!), and canceled my membership after only one month. I found Match to be quite generic, not very open, and kind of weird in general. Granted online dating is funky to begin with, Match.com was kind of annoying on so many levels -- mainly the ways in which heteronormativity was being cultivated through the site. It was weird. So, I met some guys had some cups of coffee and actually went and saw a Ben Folds show with one. That date was pretty fun. The guy was goofy, cute, and happily belted the lyrics of "Army" and many other Ben Folds staple songs out with me -- overall, a good date. Needless to say, I formed a crush on him after this date. I left for Chicago the following Wednesday and told him we should hang out when I get back. I get back. I call him. No answer and no return phone call. *SIGH* What do you do? You sign up for OkCupid! And that's what I did. It was actually Ben Folds dude who told me about.

OkCupid is soooo much better than Match. First and foremost, it is free. Paying to meet people and go on dates is so weird. So, off the bat this outlet of online meeting seems so much better. I began chatting with people, emailing, flirting, ya know, the usual. Well, I met a boy off of OkCupid... we skipped coffee and went straight for meeting to go out to dinner. It was a Thursday and we ended up seeing each other also on Friday and Saturday. This was last weekend... this past weekend we hung out on Saturday... everything sounds jolly and rolling right along, right? Well, I have been a super huge freak about this...and I am slowly, but surely losing my sanity. I am usually pretty cool-hand luke when it comes to beginning stages of dating, but not with this guy. Basically, I am blaming it on all the other shit going on in my life. I have one semester left of this semester...that means I have a thesis chapter to work on, a book review for one class, a research paper for another, TA duties, and PhD applications to send out. Jesus fucking Christ, it makes me vomit typing all that out. And then roll in the loniness factor that led me to pursue the online dating thing, I meet a guy whom I am acutally attracted to, find incredibly sweet and interesting, and then I immediately go into Freakzoid mode. It is fucked. I know. This Freakzoid mode I am talking about involves me constantly thinking he does not want to see me ever again, which does not seem logical for he is quite responsive to me and seemingly interested in getting to know me and seeing me. For instance, he sends me texts telling me to have a great day, when he had to cancel lunch with me last Friday he makes plans with me on Saturday instead (which had not made plans for the weekend yet), and then send me an appologetic ecard with a chicken on it. But to take it to another level, we had sex on Saturday night. The weekend before had included a kiss on our first date, and some heavy making out on Friday and Saturday. This past Saturday night, I wasn't sure if it was going to happen, but I shaved and cleaned up my body thinking it might. And it did. It was pretty good actually. It was a lot of fun. He has a good-sized dick. He spent a lot of time going down on me, and when it came time for me to return the favor he stopped me only after a couple minutes, because he was going to blow his load. First, that's kinda hot that I had aroused him that much. Second, thank you for stopping me so we could fuck. And third, thank you for not blowing it in general -- figuratively and literally. But what does sex inevitably do? It fucks with my head! After we finished, we passed out for a couple hours... and then I got up and went home. One major factor I leaving out of this whole story is the fact that he has a son, who was sleeping during all of this. He is 3 years old. And I came over after he was in bed. So, I have yet to meet him, which is a good thing, because I know the guy (who we will call M) is quite protective over who meets him. Being protective over this is so awesome. He wants to be careful who meets him for both his sake and the girl's. I couldn't respect this more -- it actually makes me like him even more. God, I am pathetic.

So, last week I was a mess. This week I am again a mess. I have for whatever reasont he idea in my head that he is going to not call me and we wont see eahc other again. I should jsut say, so what? so what if this happens? I'll move on... I've done it before, and I can do it again. So, why is this affecting me so much? I am a single, good-looking, intellegent, young woman, who has her shit together. For one, why wouldn't he like me? and second, why am I freaking out when I could get other people? I am setting in my funkiness and it is killing me. But I will undoubtedly perserve. So, why are my nights so hard to get through sometimes?

I Stink Like Sex... I Wish

2008-10-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

Not really. It's more like boozey stench of burps that continues to emerge from my cotton-mouthed mouth. The piecing together of an evening mid- Sunday afternoon seems to be a trend in my life. Do I need to grow up? Nah...

Call it what you want to call it, I'm a freaking acaholic. I don't think I am going to be able to form a complete though right now, so I'm leaving it to this disgusting display of sexism to invoke social commentary:

Read the accompanying here: http://www.thefrisky.com/site/post/246-sarah-palin-sex-doll-now-on-sale/

I found this on the Facebook status of the guy I had relations with in New York this summer. Tells you a lot about the treats I pick out...

Fighting The Hot Fight

2008-10-10T19:56:00.001-07:00

Graduate school makes me stressed out and horny. Since the break up with the boyfriend in March of this year, I have kind of let my hair down -- or should I say my pants? My first male interaction post-break up involved a much older graduate student in my program. And I am talking almost 20 years older. No intercourse of any sort happened. However, I did one morning wake up on the rug in the middle of my tiny studio apartment wearing the pants I wore the evening before and his sweaty shirt -- we were dancing in a gay bar the night before. I woke up because he wanted his shirt back to avoid walking out to his car half naked. Ya know, I don't blame him. I sometimes do the walk of shame, but I always make sure I am clothed -- even if it involves a halter top and heels at 9am.

Anyway, the weeks surrounding this time in the early post-break up I began to realize my number was going to inevitably rise. My much older friend and I did not have sex that night because he told me he has herpes. And despite sucking down one too many vodkas, I used my better judgment, rolled over, and passed out. Oh, but not without insisting I sleep with his shirt on. God am I pathetic. Anywho, I dont have the herp... and that was the last time the two of us had any intimate interactions. Ever since then it has been heavy flirtation when we run into each other at meetings for this journal we volunteer for or random run-ins on campus.

To set the record straight, I am not usually attracted to post 40 men. I think this attraction was a semi-rebellious act against my 25 year-old ex. The males in my peer group are just not doing it for me. This strange attraction brought up the potential of me having "daddy issues". And I really do not think this is the case. My dad has always been in my life, and ever since high school we have had a truly solid relationship. I'd even go so far to say that we have developed a friendship! So, I easily rule this out (at least for now). Nonetheless, I am still puzzled by my attraction to this much older man. Furthermore, the first person I did have sex with after my break up was with a 34 year-old, who I dated (I use lightly) for a few months from about end of March to May, which was then followed by a random hook up with a 38 year-old in June. Now, the more recent male sexual encounters have been with dudes more my age, meaning mid to late 20s. But DAAAMN! Guys in their 30s know what they are doing! But old man herp sucked at kissing...thus, I am left back at square one... puzzled...curious...and horny...